Fearless Diaries - Singing MY Voice

I found my voice today.

Logistically, today was the second rehearsal for my first performance with a large ensemble in Las Vegas.  Optimally, it was an opportunity to learn and grow.  I have been working on having each rehearsal, performance, and/or practice session be opportunities to move forward rather than carry as baggage. Baggage has so many stipulations.  You never really get to move forward, it always refers to the past for answers.  I am never the same person from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute.  So how exactly does baggage serve me?  I'm beginning to really believe it doesn't.

Even as recent as yesterday, I found myself saying, 'here it goes again, another not optimal experience'.  But, unlike the past I recovered from this negative, large brush stroke quickly.   When I get nervous and choose to micromanage I fill my brain with unnecessary clutter.   Choosing this clutter gets me further from me.  And, further from my voice.

As the band sounded the opening E-flat major chord, everything sounded different to me.  The sound rang in my ears with a new clarity.  It was pure music.  I could argue it was the acoustics, or there were more people at rehearsal, but I'm choosing to believe it was clearer because my brain was free from clutter.  I had clear priorities about what I wanted to do.  Pre breath beat, breath beat, and go.  It was all about the timing.  Everything fit into place despite tempo variances, missed notes, and intonation discrepancies.  Now, like other lessons I have learned, this one was presented to me very early.  What makes the musical line encompass everything is having good timing.  I now realize that timing can be deafening, above a 50 piece band, when I am actually listening to it.  

I choose to be free from simultaneous critique, but rather diagnose and cure.  If I actually have time to hear something, decide how it makes me feel, then decide to back off and evaluate, then find a cure, I could easily be about 8 bars behind the ensemble.  As I have heard many times, if I'm listening and the audience is listening, who is actually performing?  

This morning was the perfect opportunity not only to find me, but to share it.  Yesterday, I was so concerned with making each note, rhythm, articulation, dynamic, and style choice perfect that I forgot about something very important.  The thing I forgot, is the thing that I think could be another answer to yesterday's question.  I forgot about my voice.  Strauss wrote this amazing work for his father and since then, many others have painted this canvas.  I wasn't even holding a paint brush yesterday.  I was still sitting in class reading the instruction booklet.

I am learning to be the artist at all times, when practicing, listening, doing score study, and even while visualizing performing.  I felt the freest I have ever felt while performing this morning.  Not only did I find my voice, but I actually had the confidence in myself to share it unconditionally and without fear of judgment.  The music sang from my bell because I finally decided that my voice counted.  There may be many other horn players in this world, but there will always be room for me as long as I keep showing up and really participating.  And, at this moment I'm the one in the spotlight.  It doesn't make me more important.  But what is does do is prove my voice is worth listening to.

I'm singing with my voice, today.  

Photo by Kimono Photography, Kimonophotography.com

Fearless Diaries - Where is My Head?

Photo by Kimono Photography, kimonophotography.com

Today was my first rehearsal with the Coronado High School Band, conducted by my amazing friend and sister-in-law, Dani.  Greg and I made this trip to Vegas for this event (and to see family:).  I have been waiting for a moment like this for a long time! 

During our travel day, yesterday, I was so excited about the opportunity to play a solo with an ensemble.  It was finally my turn to be the one standing in the spotlight. Kind of like a day of reckoning for me.  This has certainly been a year full of ups and downs and this was an up I had been looking forward to for whileJ.  I felt in a really good headspace.  I was prepared and believed I was capable of performing in a way I could be proud of and happy about. 

I have been reading a book called "You’ll See it When You Believe It", by Dr. Wayne Dyer.  He is a master of creating simplicity.  Dyer’s text really sang to me, especially his words about failure.  He says, “…you cannot fail at being you.  You can only produce results.”  Although I have probably heard this concept a hundred times, this particular setting really made sense to me.  It also helped me ‘get it’ again.  Being me is enough regardless of what results I produce.  For the first time in a while, I felt good about being me.  I was ready for a good night’s sleep.

It’s still dark out.  What time is it?  I roll over and it’s 3am.  6am my normal tim:).  My brain is up and running, already deciding how things were going to go at this morning’s rehearsal which was GREAT!  I slept very little from 3am-6am when the alarm went off.  I was convinced I was going to be great today.

I walk into the 7am rehearsal, with very little warm-up.  I have prepared myself for this situation on a weekly basis in case something like this were to happen!  YAY!  It was a weird walk from the parking lot to the band room.  One I have made several times before, in my high school days, but now was out of practice.  The rehearsal rooms was bustling with a familiar chaotic energy of getting out instruments, music, setting up the chairs, etc.

I was no longer a student. This sentiment has several strings attached.  On one hand I felt relieved.  I could do my own thing and decide my own schedule.  And, on the other hand, I had to do my own thing and decide my own schedule.  I tend to gravitate towards the freedom the first option presents.  I’m still growing in this respect.

I got out my horn, which felt brand new and awkward to me.  I immediately reminded myself of all of the preparation I have done for the past many years.  This moment wasn’t set forth a few months ago when I was booked for this gig, but several years ago when I refound, or was reminded, of my love for making music.  I immediately turn on my Fearless Playlist.  You can show them some wonderful music!  Believe in yourself and see it happening exactly the way you want it to go.  Oo, there’s some other faculty here, I wonder what they will…..they want me to play well.  I got this.

Dani introduced me as Dr. Thoman.  Wait, what?  I am still uncomfortable with the potential distance that title creates between human beings, but, I stay in it.  I am here to create something beautiful.  The students seemed fairly unimpressed.  That makes me feel better about the distance.  And we’re off.

The band starts on the huge E-flat chord.  I take a shaky, big breath, here I go. 

Driving home from the rehearsal I think to myself, rehearsals like today are the reason I don’t have a job.  What am I doing that makes me feel this way?  I had some memory slips and a few cracks.  Why did I feel so horrible while actually playing?  This is the question I need to find answers to.

It’s always neat finding out how different a piece can feel when played with an ensemble as opposed to a piano.  I am quickly reminded that I am now driving a bus, not a sports car.  This is where I think I can start finding some answers to my pivotal question.  What am I doing that prevents me from getting the results I know I am capable of and so desperately want? I think the question itself presents an answer. 

Let go.  My capabilities and skill are already in place.  My training, especially with Jeff, has been good.  He has led me through some dark valleys and I am now in a position to feel the sun on my face again.  Let go of the view of the dark valley and replace it with the brightness and awesomeness of the now stellar landscape.  Leave expectations at the door and freely create as the moment moves me. 

As, Greg was driving me home, I felt angry at myself for ‘not playing well’.  ‘Not playing welI’ is so generic and not serving.  I need to be more specific with myself in order to do it better the next time.  What didn’t I like, and then decide what I need to do to make it right.  Greg patiently reminded me that I wouldn’t understand how to do make these changes in the moment if I don’t keep putting myself in the moment.  So, get back in there and do it again.  The whole ‘getting back in the saddle again’ thing.  He also helped me to remember my results do not define me.  It is important for me to quickly learn, really learn, from these results in order to produce new results.  Use intelligence to evaluate content and be smart when producing results.

Today’s rehearsal was a moment for me not in the way I expected.  It was a  moment to take stock.  What are my priorities, what’s important to me, and how can I best express myself?  How can I create simplicity? 

The answer, Where is MY Head?