Fearless Diaries - Singing MY Voice

I found my voice today.

Logistically, today was the second rehearsal for my first performance with a large ensemble in Las Vegas.  Optimally, it was an opportunity to learn and grow.  I have been working on having each rehearsal, performance, and/or practice session be opportunities to move forward rather than carry as baggage. Baggage has so many stipulations.  You never really get to move forward, it always refers to the past for answers.  I am never the same person from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute.  So how exactly does baggage serve me?  I'm beginning to really believe it doesn't.

Even as recent as yesterday, I found myself saying, 'here it goes again, another not optimal experience'.  But, unlike the past I recovered from this negative, large brush stroke quickly.   When I get nervous and choose to micromanage I fill my brain with unnecessary clutter.   Choosing this clutter gets me further from me.  And, further from my voice.

As the band sounded the opening E-flat major chord, everything sounded different to me.  The sound rang in my ears with a new clarity.  It was pure music.  I could argue it was the acoustics, or there were more people at rehearsal, but I'm choosing to believe it was clearer because my brain was free from clutter.  I had clear priorities about what I wanted to do.  Pre breath beat, breath beat, and go.  It was all about the timing.  Everything fit into place despite tempo variances, missed notes, and intonation discrepancies.  Now, like other lessons I have learned, this one was presented to me very early.  What makes the musical line encompass everything is having good timing.  I now realize that timing can be deafening, above a 50 piece band, when I am actually listening to it.  

I choose to be free from simultaneous critique, but rather diagnose and cure.  If I actually have time to hear something, decide how it makes me feel, then decide to back off and evaluate, then find a cure, I could easily be about 8 bars behind the ensemble.  As I have heard many times, if I'm listening and the audience is listening, who is actually performing?  

This morning was the perfect opportunity not only to find me, but to share it.  Yesterday, I was so concerned with making each note, rhythm, articulation, dynamic, and style choice perfect that I forgot about something very important.  The thing I forgot, is the thing that I think could be another answer to yesterday's question.  I forgot about my voice.  Strauss wrote this amazing work for his father and since then, many others have painted this canvas.  I wasn't even holding a paint brush yesterday.  I was still sitting in class reading the instruction booklet.

I am learning to be the artist at all times, when practicing, listening, doing score study, and even while visualizing performing.  I felt the freest I have ever felt while performing this morning.  Not only did I find my voice, but I actually had the confidence in myself to share it unconditionally and without fear of judgment.  The music sang from my bell because I finally decided that my voice counted.  There may be many other horn players in this world, but there will always be room for me as long as I keep showing up and really participating.  And, at this moment I'm the one in the spotlight.  It doesn't make me more important.  But what is does do is prove my voice is worth listening to.

I'm singing with my voice, today.  

Photo by Kimono Photography, Kimonophotography.com